So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
