Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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