i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
