and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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