I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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