god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
