I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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