i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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