i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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