Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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