i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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