I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
