Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
