I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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