Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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