Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
