Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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