More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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