There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
