When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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