Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
