Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
