I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
