Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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