can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
