So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
