My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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