and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
