Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
