I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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