How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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