I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
