Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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