Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
