when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
