watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
