You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i drank out of a bidet.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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