Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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