Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
