proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
