I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
