Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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