so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
