see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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