Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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