you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
