I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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