Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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