what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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