As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
