remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am puke
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
