i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
