I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
